Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize