Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
