Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
