how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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