I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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