i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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