I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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