Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
