Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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