I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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