I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
