im six kinds of drunk right now
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
