Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
