Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
