it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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