Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
