i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
