you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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