Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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