Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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