Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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