she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
