Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
