Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize