I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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