When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
