I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
