How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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