that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
