my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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