Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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