i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
