call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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