my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
