weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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