My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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