Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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