Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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