Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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