I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
