I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
