I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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