jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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