I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
