I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
