matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
