her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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