sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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