Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
