You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
