Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
