God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
