I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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