Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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